Battle Royal
by thelemonisinplay
Summary: That the swordsman's horrible sense of direction would lead them into a trap was no surprise for the cook, but how to convince said swordsman that working together might be the only way of escape? Oneshot.


"Ouch, damn, what happened just now?"

"What do _you_ say ouch for, shithead? Get off of me!"

"Heh, I didn't know you're that delicate..."

"Ass."

With that Sanji started to wriggle himself out from under Zoro's broad body. Not that he'd admit it to anyone, but it felt more like a rock fell on him than an actual human being, yet, was there so much difference between a rock and that mass of muscle?

Sanji sighed audibly. Why was it always him who had to suffer the consequences of his nakama's antics? Zoro was the one who got them into this mess after all.

* * *

"Left. Turn left. WE NEED TO TAKE THE CORRIDOR TO THE LEFT! Damn it, that's not left! Wait, moss head!" Sanji screamed at the top of his lungs after his companion. It was frustrating, even telling the swordsman the exact directions didn't help at all.

"Are you really that stupid or are you ignoring me on purpose?" he said more to himself than to the running man in front of him. Against his better judgement, he followed Zoro along the wrong path, silently hoping that he'd be able to stir his nakama in the right direction at some point.

Still enraged Sanji didn't notice that his companion nearly came to a halt all of a sudden, which made him able to finally catch up.

"Hey, do you think that we're still on the right path? Aren't you leading us straight into a dead end, cook?" Zoro turned to face Sanji, "Usually I'm the one getting lost."

"I'm what?" Sanji spat aghast. "You moron aren't even able to follow simple directions even when I'm clearly shouting them into your ear. Of course we went in the completely wrong direction, the others are probably..."

"Shit."

Both of them usually had perfect reaction times, since instincts kicked in way before their minds could process the situation at hand. Yet, in this instance both of them were a tick too late to evade the sudden trap door that opened under their feet and sent them flying.

* * *

When he finally freed himself and straightened his suit, he took in the room the two of them ended up in. It was quite huge and perfectly circular. The trap door above was still open, but way out of their reach. To get back out there they'd have needed the aid of their captain's fruit abilities.

Sanji took a few steps in the direction of the wall, probing it for some kind of secret or even not so secret door. It was hard to tell in the semi dark of the room.

"It's no use. The wall is solid. And since we're probably underground there's no use in actually trying to break through it," Zoro stated while watching Sanji, who wasn't willing to give up his inspection just yet.

"Hacking and slashing through a wall isn't usually the first thing that comes to my mind. Do you really think that," Sanji pointed to the ceiling without taking his eyes from his task, "is the only way in and out?"

"Well, they call the king an eccentric, maybe there _is_ no other way after all," Zoro defended his previous statement.

Mere seconds later a loud noise immediately proved Zoro wrong however. Across the room the wall parted and a large door presented itself.

"Told ya..."

"Oh shut up, cook," he shot back irritated. "We've got company."

Through the new entry a group of about twenty people entered. They came in various sizes and shapes, but had one thing in common, they looked like brutes. It was hard to tell if some of them might actually have some skills or if their only skill was to look kind of frightening.

After the last one set foot into the room, the door closed again and it didn't look like it would open for some time to come.

"What the hell are you buffoons doing here? Come to play?" Sanji teased.

"Well, you're not wrong with that statement, boy," a tinny voice sounded through the room. It probably came from a hidden speaker somewhere, but the reverberations in the room made it hard to pinpoint its location. "It's a game after all."

"I welcome you all to my _game_. A royal Battle Royal. May the deadliest one win," the voice chuckled and only static followed.

"What the hell was that? The king isn't an eccentric, but a lunatic," Zoro hissed in Sanji's direction.

"It surprises me that you know the difference, marimo," Sanji sneered, avoiding the following slash in his direction with a graceful sidestep. "Anyway, do you reckon the door can hold the two of us, or do we have to participate in this stupid _game_?"

"Somehow the door has the same feel as the whole wall, maybe they somehow barricaded it behind. Since there is no other way out we should probably join the fun after all?" Zoro smirked and placed himself in the middle of the already fighting mob.

"Don't you get it...?" Sanji sighed and also joined in.

Most of them were just small fry and went down without much of a fight. Some others did prove quite formidable opponents, but still nothing more than a diversion for the likes of Zoro and Sanji.

"Hey, marimo, get your stupid ass over here, we need to talk," Sanji shouted over the fighting groups, more or less ignoring a small man, trying to plunge his axe into Sanji's skull. "That is, if you're not too preoccupied with those so called opponents."

It only took Zoro a few seconds to cross the room and charge at his nakama, an ecstatic grin on his face.

Parrying the not expected assault in the last second, Sanji looked a bit taken aback. "What the fuck are you attacking me for in a _Battle Royal_?"

"What are you angry about? What's different to any other day?" Zoro snapped back.

"You do realise that the point of a Battle Royal is to fight to the death until only one man is still standing. So why the hell were you attacking me?"

"I didn't mean it like that...," Zoro mumbled, absentmindedly defeating an attacker sneaking up on him.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"Then see a doctor, shitty cook."

At the same time three goons decided to team up against Sanji, which wouldn't have posed a threat at all, but it made him miss the fourth one, who was eager to use the distraction to get a clear shot at him from a distance.

The shots rang loudly and echoed through the room, followed by a metallic noise and said three goons flying across the room. Zoro was standing between the shooter and his nakama, swords drawn and the bullets save at his feet. "I suppose we need a plan, right?" A smug grin appeared on Zoro's face and Sanji wasn't sure if it was a good sign.

"I might have an idea, but you won't like it. Hell, you probably hate it."

"That's for me to decide, spit it out, cook," Zoro answered impatiently.

"Later. Let's just get rid of the rest of our fellow _players_ and then pretend to look for a possible way out," Sanji urged, not ready to reveal his scheme quite yet.

Zoro didn't look satisfied with the explanation offered, but grumpily accepted it nevertheless.

* * *

"Congratulations! Who would have thought that it would end like this, right boy? I wasn't sure you had it in you to be honest, but that made it all the more enjoyable," the bodiless voice mused. "Well, you won fair and square and I have to admit, that was really quite a show. Nothing tops this raw emotion when two friends set out to kill each other. What a marvellous display! Every drop of blood you draw from the other weighs more on the one drawing it, it's such a pleasure to watch. And the finishing blow, I could watch that over and over and over...ahh," the voice half moaned form the speaker.

"I played your game, so let me the fuck out, you crazy sadist!"

"It's so sad I have to let you go, but those are the rules..."

The large door opened again with a distinctive creak and presented a corridor that led away from the battle arena.

* * *

"That was the last one, what now?" Zoro nearly whispered while he busied himself with re-examining the wall alongside Sanji. "You said you had a plan."

"Well, one of us has to die obviously."

"Are you insane?"

"You heard the bastard. His only reaction to people getting slaughtered down here was laughing, do you think we could just ask him nicely if he'd accept two winners and that's it?" Sanji scoffed humourlessly. "No, I think our only chance is to present him with a corpse."

"And you're volunteering, right?"

"To be honest, my plan works better with you dying," Sanji shrugged, "I mean, if you're convincing enough, of course."

"You're telling me I should fake getting killed by you? That's worse than actually getting killed by you. Why do I have to play dead? You do it, idiot cook!" Zoro shot back irritated.

"Told you you wouldn't like it," Sanji laughed. "I thought about it and you have to admit that it's easier to pretend to get your head bashed in by one of my kicks than to pretend getting gutted by you, right?" Sanji offered apologetically.

"God, I hate it when you make sense."

For that Sanji offered a grin, but decided to not annoy Zoro any further, since an opportunity like that, with Zoro listening to reason may not present itself again soon. "Then all that's left is to give the royal bastard a good show and make it convincing. Just follow my lead."

Feigning frustration Sanji took a step into Zoro's personal space and shoved the other man against the cold brick wall. "It's your damn fault that we're stuck in here! At least have the courtesy to pretend to be helpful, would you?"

"I told you, shitty cook, that there is no way to get through this wall, so get lost!" Zoro shouted back and grabbed the hilt of his sword. "It's not like _you're_ that much help outside of your kitchen."

"You idiot marimo!," Sanji shouted while lunging at his nakama.

A series of kicks rained down on the swordsman, but nothing that Zoro couldn't parry with a few well-placed moves. "Did I strike a chord, cook?"

"No, I just enjoy kicking your ass, moss head!"

With the last exchange of words the attacks changed and got more precise. Every now and then Sanji's kicks got through Zoro's defence, leaving behind a few bruises and a bloodied lip on the swordsman's face.

The same could be said for Zoro, his stance changed from the casual parries to offensive. All three swords drawn the attacks became way more vicious. It didn't take long for Sanji's suit to look like an old rag, with bloody slices all over, but the worst thing was his tie.

"You frigging destroyed my tie, shit head! You're so dead!" Sanji shouted, panting quite a lot from the exertion.

He took a deep breath to compose himself and charged forward again. It was a fast attack, directly to the side of Zoro's head. In the split second before impact, the second that would have been enough for the swordsman to fend off the kick, they locked eyes and Zoro's "do it now" was easy enough to read.

Sanji hissed a small "sorry" and sent his nakama flying across the room, headfirst into the hard wall. He doubted that Zoro was really out cold, but it was hard to tell from the motionless form on the ground.

"Congratulations….!" The tinny voice from the speaker was simply infuriating for Sanji. What the hell was wrong with some people? Getting off on the pain and misery of others, no wonder this kingdom was going down the drain.

He clenched his fists in order to remain calm during the king's monologue, "I played your game, so let me the fuck out, you crazy sadist!"

He didn't even listen to the reply and took a step in the direction of the opening door. "You coming, marimo?"

"With pleasure," the seemingly unconscious man answered and got up from the ground again. He offered a bloody grin in the direction of the faceless voice and followed after Sanji. "How do you feel about dethroning a king?"

"Sounds like a damn good idea," the cook laughed and reached for a cigarette in his breast pocket. The two of them exited the room and Sanji lit his smoke. He took a deep drag and exhaled with a smile on his lips.

"Still, I mean it, I won't forgive you for my tie..."


End file.
